Haikus With Dani: Breakup Edition

Haikus With Dani: Breakup Edition

Wel­come to Haikus with Dani: Breakup Edi­tion, the part of the show where Dani comes out and shares her breakup haikus.

It’s been a lit­tle over a month since I broke up with my part­ner of 7 years (and spouse of 6 years).

In so many ways, it’s been unspeak­ably hard. I lit­er­al­ly don’t have tru­ly appro­pri­ate words for this expe­ri­ence, only deep chasms with­in my being that alter­nate­ly flow with rage and sor­row, then ebb with hol­low mis­ery.

There are good times and good things, of course. My health has vast­ly improved. My finances have sta­bi­lized. I’m keep­ing my house in a state that makes me feel com­fort­able and safe in my own lit­tle nest. I’m able to con­cen­trate on my work like I’ve nev­er been able to before. Life, in gen­er­al, is good.

But for those times when life’s ter­ri­ble­ness is indeed unspeak­able, the only words that have come to me have come in frag­ments.

So I decid­ed to put them into haikus.

I’ve com­piled every­thing I’ve writ­ten so far here. They are not list­ed in the order in which they were writ­ten, but rather rearranged to sort of tell the sto­ry of my griev­ing process thus­far.

Part of being human is the impor­tance of being tru­ly seen. And so I offer you this glimpse into my soul, and per­haps into your own.

You are not all bad.
But that doesn’t mean you’re not
ter­ri­ble for me.

I am not all good.
But I can­not be what you
expect me to be.

We love each oth­er,
each in our own way. Yet still
we’re bet­ter apart.

I keep say­ing “we”
when I mean to just say “I.”
Soli­tude comes hard.

You are every­where
in my house, my head, my heart…
how the liv­ing haunt.

I’m con­sumed with guilt
for my improv­ing health; my
body betrays you.

I nev­er real­ized
how often I held my breath
until I could breathe.

All I want­ed was
respect, safe­ty, support…your
“love” was not enough.

The worst part of all:
I’m bet­ter off with­out you
in body and soul.

I missed you today
but you’re the dev­il I know
and soon, it will pass.

I wish you were here
some­times when I’m lone­ly, ’til
real­i­ty hits.

I can’t wrap my brain
around how you treat­ed me.
You said you loved me.

The worst parts of you
loom large and almost eclipse
the best parts of you.

And yet, you are you —
love and lies mixed togeth­er,
spin­ning me around.

You’ve tak­en so much
of my life and well-being —
enough is enough.

My only regret
is mak­ing myself small­er
to ease your com­fort.

If love is a choice,
then I chose the wrong per­son —
I should have picked me.

They tell me I’m strong,
but I don’t under­stand it —
I’m bare­ly okay.

I thought lone­li­ness
would be unbear­able, but
it’s bet­ter than you.

In the light of day,
I bare­ly notice you’re gone,
but night is still hard.

The longer you’re gone,
the more com­pe­tent I am.
Fun­ny, isn’t it?

Some­times it scares me
how quick­ly I’m adjust­ing
to life with­out you.

But dis­cov­er­ing
just how strong I am is joy

I don’t know how love
ought to work, but for now, I’ll
try to love myself.

Posted in Fat Girl,