Haikus With Dani: JerkBrain Edition.

Haikus With Dani: JerkBrain Edition.

There’s a lot going on in my life. I’ve deac­ti­vat­ed my Twit­ter for a lit­tle bit. Vul­ner­a­bil­i­ty is ter­ri­fy­ing, but it’s eas­i­er to be vul­ner­a­ble to an amor­phous mass of peo­ple than talk to any­one in par­tic­u­lar about what’s been hap­pen­ing, even the things that are only hap­pen­ing inside my own head. There­fore, you’re get­ting more of my depress­ing frag­ments of dia­logue, this time brought to you by my very own Jerk­Brain.

I can­not tell you
just how many times I have
almost said some­thing.

I open my mouth
only to scold myself for
feel­ing any­thing.

I can’t help but chide
“you’re far too needy” as I
inward­ly col­lapse.

But bet­ter for me
to qui­et­ly hem­or­rhage than
show des­per­a­tion.

I always regret
open­ing up to oth­ers,
if I even can.

I will say too much,
show more than I intend­ed.
I’ll push you away.

I am an old soul
and said to intim­i­date.
I am far too much.

Bet­ter to suf­fer
than bur­den any of you.
Your com­fort mat­ters.

Plus, if I don’t share
the deep­est parts of me, your
rejec­tion hurts less.

My whole exis­tence
drains ener­gy and patience
from all around me.

Every­body hurts.
What right have I to share
my own suf­fer­ing?

Bet­ter to pre­tend
everything’s fine than dare to
be incon­ve­nient.

I know I’m self­ish.
I know I’m a prob­lem. There
is no chang­ing that.

I know what you’ll say.
“You’re not a bur­den! I care!”
Okay. That may be.

Nev­er­the­less, fear
and rage and hope­less­ness drown
out any kind words.

Bet­ter to shut
every­one out than let you
wit­ness my dark­ness.

Posted in Fat Girl,