Haikus With Dani: JerkBrain Edition.

Haikus With Dani: JerkBrain Edition.

There’s a lot going on in my life. I’ve deactivated my Twitter for a little bit. Vulnerability is terrifying, but it’s easier to be vulnerable to an amorphous mass of people than talk to anyone in particular about what’s been happening, even the things that are only happening inside my own head. Therefore, you’re getting more of my depressing fragments of dialogue, this time brought to you by my very own JerkBrain.

I cannot tell you
just how many times I have
almost said something.

I open my mouth
only to scold myself for
feeling anything.

I can’t help but chide
“you’re far too needy” as I
inwardly collapse.

But better for me
to quietly hemorrhage than
show desperation.

I always regret
opening up to others,
if I even can.

I will say too much,
show more than I intended.
I’ll push you away.

I am an old soul
and said to intimidate.
I am far too much.

Better to suffer
than burden any of you.
Your comfort matters.

Plus, if I don’t share
the deepest parts of me, your
rejection hurts less.

My whole existence
drains energy and patience
from all around me.

Everybody hurts.
What right have I to share
my own suffering?

Better to pretend
everything’s fine than dare to
be inconvenient.

I know I’m selfish.
I know I’m a problem. There
is no changing that.

I know what you’ll say.
“You’re not a burden! I care!”
Okay. That may be.

Nevertheless, fear
and rage and hopelessness drown
out any kind words.

Better to shut
everyone out than let you
witness my darkness. 

Posted in Fat Girl,