Random thoughts and fears in the wake of public deconversion.

Random thoughts and fears in the wake of public deconversion.

Maybe I should have just kept pre­tend­ing to be a Chris­t­ian. You know, for the rest of my life. Because lying for­ev­er can’t pos­si­bly go wrong.

I don’t under­stand why my beliefs are being tak­en as judg­ment against oth­er people’s beliefs or oth­er people’s influ­ences on my life. Chris­tian­i­ty has been tox­ic to me. That doesn’t mean it’s tox­ic to you, and it doesn’t mean I think you’re hor­ri­ble for still being a Chris­t­ian.

I don’t under­stand (ful­ly) the ratio­nale behind cut­ting out non-Chris­tians from your life. Or I guess for­mer Chris­tians. Like, seri­ous­ly, what’s the deal with that? For peo­ple so obsessed with image and being a good tes­ti­mo­ny, what tes­ti­mo­ny are you try­ing to give to me? That you and your god of love who tells sin­ners to come as they are are con­tent to leave this sin­ner where she is? I guess maybe you’re shak­ing the dust off your feet at me. What­ev­er. I am angry and sad and under­stand­ing all at once, and it’s con­fus­ing and hard.

Why is writ­ing about my decon­ver­sion worse than writ­ing about my faith when I was a Chris­t­ian? Why is one “com­bat­ive, cru­el, and unnec­es­sary” while the oth­er is praised and some­how indica­tive of my char­ac­ter? It comes back to the whole lying thing again. Do you real­ly, real­ly, real­ly expect me to lie? Expect me to stop writ­ing a pub­lic blog or real­ly exist­ing in pub­lic in an hon­est way just to make you feel bet­ter? I don’t under­stand.

How on earth was I sup­posed to give any­one a “heads up” about this? Do you real­ly think that would have gone over BETTER? “Hey, I’m agnos­tic now, just let­ting you know that I’ll be putting it my blog. Wait, you don’t want me to put it on my blog? Well, I’m not real­ly ask­ing per­mis­sion, so…” Seri­ous­ly. I did what I thought was right in the best way that I knew how, and after going over and over and over it in my head for the past few days I wouldn’t have done any­thing dif­fer­ent­ly. No, not even post­ing it more than once on social media, because that’s what I do with EVERYTHING I write.

I don’t think I’m a com­bat­ive per­son. I actu­al­ly hate con­tro­ver­sy. I don’t explode at peo­ple. I usu­al­ly inter­nal­ize and hurt myself instead.

Why is writ­ing about faith okay, but doubt and leav­ing faith isn’t? Why? Some­one please explain this to me.

Do peo­ple think I’m going to start try­ing to evan­ge­lize my lack of faith? Is that a thing? I’ve tried to be real­ly, real­ly care­ful the past 8 months or so to make sure that when I write, I don’t write pre­scrip­tive­ly. Mean­ing, I write about my life — why I do things, how I view things, etc. Not how oth­ers should, but how I do — how I inter­act with my world. I don’t know how to tell peo­ple in a way they’ll under­stand that my deci­sions are not a reflec­tion on their lives.

I’m so con­flict­ed and con­fused and spin­ning in cir­cles in my head. This all hurts way way way more than I thought, while also not being quite as bad as I thought (grant­ed, it’s still ear­ly in the game, I guess).

Sure­ly peo­ple remem­ber how sin­cere I was. How much I loved God. Loved the Bible. Loved the Ply­mouth Brethren. Do they real­ly think I just got here willy-nil­ly with no thought? Do they real­ly think so lit­tle of me?

I want to not care what peo­ple think. But I do. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. And I know I’ve hurt them, but the alter­na­tive is lying and I’m a sucky liar and I shouldn’t HAVE to lie in order to have a healthy rela­tion­ship with some­one.

I don’t know. There’s so much I don’t know. But I guess just say­ing that I don’t know is kind of taboo. But appar­ent­ly I’m all about taboo nowa­days.

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