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Random thoughts and fears in the wake of public deconversion.

Random thoughts and fears in the wake of public deconversion.

Maybe I should have just kept pretending to be a Christian. You know, for the rest of my life. Because lying forever can’t possibly go wrong.

I don’t understand why my beliefs are being taken as judgment against other people’s beliefs or other people’s influences on my life. Christianity has been toxic to me. That doesn’t mean it’s toxic to you, and it doesn’t mean I think you’re horrible for still being a Christian.

I don’t understand (fully) the rationale behind cutting out non-Christians from your life. Or I guess former Christians. Like, seriously, what’s the deal with that? For people so obsessed with image and being a good testimony, what testimony are you trying to give to me? That you and your god of love who tells sinners to come as they are are content to leave this sinner where she is? I guess maybe you’re shaking the dust off your feet at me. Whatever. I am angry and sad and understanding all at once, and it’s confusing and hard.

Why is writing about my deconversion worse than writing about my faith when I was a Christian? Why is one “combative, cruel, and unnecessary” while the other is praised and somehow indicative of my character? It comes back to the whole lying thing again. Do you really, really, really expect me to lie? Expect me to stop writing a public blog or really existing in public in an honest way just to make you feel better? I don’t understand.

How on earth was I supposed to give anyone a “heads up” about this? Do you really think that would have gone over BETTER? “Hey, I’m agnostic now, just letting you know that I’ll be putting it my blog. Wait, you don’t want me to put it on my blog? Well, I’m not really asking permission, so…” Seriously. I did what I thought was right in the best way that I knew how, and after going over and over and over it in my head for the past few days I wouldn’t have done anything differently. No, not even posting it more than once on social media, because that’s what I do with EVERYTHING I write.

I don’t think I’m a combative person. I actually hate controversy. I don’t explode at people. I usually internalize and hurt myself instead.

Why is writing about faith okay, but doubt and leaving faith isn’t? Why? Someone please explain this to me.

Do people think I’m going to start trying to evangelize my lack of faith? Is that a thing? I’ve tried to be really, really careful the past 8 months or so to make sure that when I write, I don’t write prescriptively. Meaning, I write about my life — why I do things, how I view things, etc. Not how others should, but how I do — how I interact with my world. I don’t know how to tell people in a way they’ll understand that my decisions are not a reflection on their lives.

I’m so conflicted and confused and spinning in circles in my head. This all hurts way way way more than I thought, while also not being quite as bad as I thought (granted, it’s still early in the game, I guess).

Surely people remember how sincere I was. How much I loved God. Loved the Bible. Loved the Plymouth Brethren. Do they really think I just got here willy-nilly with no thought? Do they really think so little of me?

I want to not care what people think. But I do. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. And I know I’ve hurt them, but the alternative is lying and I’m a sucky liar and I shouldn’t HAVE to lie in order to have a healthy relationship with someone.

I don’t know. There’s so much I don’t know. But I guess just saying that I don’t know is kind of taboo. But apparently I’m all about taboo nowadays.

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