Rambling into the void.

Rambling into the void.

I didn’t want to spend the last day of 2013 near tears all day because cancer sucks, then have a massive flashback culminating in me constantly reviewing reasons I should not kill myself.

My throat is raw. Apparently I screamed nonstop for quite sometime, according to Michael. I don’t remember. Would have been nice to remember, maybe. I always thought I’d feel better if I could scream. Guess not. One minute I was fine, next thing I remember is being in the fetal position with a sore throat and swollen eyes with him holding me tightly and telling me in his “I’m trying really hard not to be frantic or cry” voice that I was safe, he swore I was safe. He keeps assuring me I did nothing wrong and don’t need to try to remember. But it’s picking at my mind and I can’t quite stop it, and I don’t know what the flashback was, but it’s just at the corners of my brain and I’m really kind of afraid to go to sleep lest I remember, but maybe if I remember I won’t want to die anymore. I don’t know.

But he held me for a while, then made me get up, and when I voiced desire for Starbucks, he drove me to Starbucks, then stopped at the grocery store to get donuts and ice cream to make our NYE slightly less sucky. Sherlock is glued to my side, I am drinking raspberry tea like there is no tomorrow, and reblogging things on Tumblr like mad because I need to keep my brain busy. I’m really afraid not to.

Maybe I’ll play Zelda a bit. Or Mario. And try to be okay. I have to live a while yet. My brother is coming to visit tomorrow, and we’re going to introduce him to Doctor Who and Torchwood maybe, or else Pacific Rim. And maybe it’ll be fun and distracting and I’ll feel a little better.

I’m just getting so sick of holding out for better days, when I know that worse days are coming, too.

I feel I need to add the obligatory “I’m really not going to hurt myself, honest” promise here, because I’m not, I have lots of reasons not to die, but they’re all for other people and not for me and I’m just so tired of living right now. I’m so tired. 

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