Rambling into the void.

Rambling into the void.

I didn’t want to spend the last day of 2013 near tears all day because can­cer sucks, then have a mas­sive flash­back cul­mi­nat­ing in me con­stant­ly review­ing rea­sons I should not kill myself.

My throat is raw. Appar­ent­ly I screamed non­stop for quite some­time, accord­ing to Michael. I don’t remem­ber. Would have been nice to remem­ber, maybe. I always thought I’d feel bet­ter if I could scream. Guess not. One minute I was fine, next thing I remem­ber is being in the fetal posi­tion with a sore throat and swollen eyes with him hold­ing me tight­ly and telling me in his “I’m try­ing real­ly hard not to be fran­tic or cry” voice that I was safe, he swore I was safe. He keeps assur­ing me I did noth­ing wrong and don’t need to try to remem­ber. But it’s pick­ing at my mind and I can’t quite stop it, and I don’t know what the flash­back was, but it’s just at the cor­ners of my brain and I’m real­ly kind of afraid to go to sleep lest I remem­ber, but maybe if I remem­ber I won’t want to die any­more. I don’t know.

But he held me for a while, then made me get up, and when I voiced desire for Star­bucks, he drove me to Star­bucks, then stopped at the gro­cery store to get donuts and ice cream to make our NYE slight­ly less sucky. Sher­lock is glued to my side, I am drink­ing rasp­ber­ry tea like there is no tomor­row, and reblog­ging things on Tum­blr like mad because I need to keep my brain busy. I’m real­ly afraid not to.

Maybe I’ll play Zel­da a bit. Or Mario. And try to be okay. I have to live a while yet. My broth­er is com­ing to vis­it tomor­row, and we’re going to intro­duce him to Doc­tor Who and Torch­wood maybe, or else Pacif­ic Rim. And maybe it’ll be fun and dis­tract­ing and I’ll feel a lit­tle bet­ter.

I’m just get­ting so sick of hold­ing out for bet­ter days, when I know that worse days are com­ing, too.

I feel I need to add the oblig­a­tory “I’m real­ly not going to hurt myself, hon­est” promise here, because I’m not, I have lots of rea­sons not to die, but they’re all for oth­er peo­ple and not for me and I’m just so tired of liv­ing right now. I’m so tired.

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