Fat Girl,

Because I can’t not: writing in community.

September 3, 2013 8 Comments

Since pub­lish­ing the admis­sion of my decon­ver­sion from Chris­tian­i­ty, I’ve been ques­tion­ing myself an awful lot (to put it quite del­i­cate­ly).

Maybe I shouldn’t have writ­ten it. Maybe I should have kept play­ing along so I didn’t hurt any­one. Maybe I should have kept it all to myself for the rest of my life. Maybe the tim­ing was bad. Maybe I should have con­sult­ed with any­one who would have been upset about it before pub­lish­ing. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

I keep com­ing back to the same answers. I had to write it. Lying to every­one for the rest of my life would have been more dam­ag­ing to us all than telling the truth has been. There was nev­er going to be a “right time” for it. Con­sult­ing with those who would be hurt by it would have only served to delay then inten­si­fy the pain, because their dis­plea­sure wouldn’t have kept me from pub­lish­ing.

That leads me to two ques­tions that apply both to that post in par­tic­u­lar but also to my entire blog:

  1. Why did I write it, and why do I write in gen­er­al?
  2. Why did I write it pub­licly, and why do I write in pub­lic?
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I am sad; or, how my language sometimes says more or less than I feel.

August 22, 2013 8 Comments

When I say I am sad, it’s because I don’t real­ly have words to explain what’s hap­pen­ing. It’s because it’s eas­i­er for me to say, “I am sad” than it is to explain what I actu­al­ly mean.

And, if I’m hon­est, it’s because say­ing “I am sad” is eas­i­er than own­ing to myself how bad things can get. Have got­ten. Will get again. It’s my way of down­play­ing some­thing that is all-encom­pass­ing and over­whelm­ing and fright­en­ing and sti­fling and mad­den­ing and exhaust­ing and dev­as­tat­ing.

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Turning on a dime: false equivalence in purity culture.

August 13, 2013 10 Comments

That’s one of the prob­lems of puri­ty cul­ture. It seeks to shel­ter, to save, to pro­tect. But in doing so, unwit­ting­ly or not, it becomes benev­o­lent­ly sex­ist, per­pet­u­at­ing the very evil it claims to pro­tect its adher­ents from, using gen­tler words and sub­tler manip­u­la­tion towards the same end.

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Random thoughts and fears in the wake of public deconversion.

July 31, 2013 1 Comment

Maybe I should have just kept pre­tend­ing to be a Chris­t­ian. You know, for the rest of my life. Because lying for­ev­er can’t pos­si­bly go wrong.

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Strange and unprepared.

July 26, 2013 52 Comments

This is a con­ver­sa­tion I don’t know how to have.

How do I write about no longer iden­ti­fy­ing as a Chris­t­ian in a way that won’t turn my entire world upside down?

I guess I’m doing it some­thing like this. But I’m not hold­ing onto hope for keep­ing my world aright.

The lan­guage of Chris­tian­i­ty is still my moth­er tongue. The cul­ture of Chris­tian­i­ty is still my home­town. I don’t know any­thing else.

This is a strange place for me to be.

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Silence.

April 11, 2013 1 Comment

There is so much I want to say. So much I want to talk about, share, unload from the heav­i­ness of my heart and dredge up from the murk­i­ness of the swirling waters of thoughts in my head. There are peo­ple who have con­tact­ed me that I want to respond to.

But all I can real­ly muster is silence.

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In which I am hesitant to call it abuse.

March 18, 2013 12 Comments

This week is Spir­i­tu­al Abuse Aware­ness Week, a syn­chroblog host­ed by Hän­nah, Joy, and Shaney (along with Rachel and Elo­ra). Today we’re all link­ing up with Hän­nah, and I’m so thrilled that this is hap­pen­ing. And yet…

And yet.

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Of church, feminism, and safety.

February 28, 2013 41 Comments

I am a fem­i­nist. And I am a Chris­t­ian. I think these are com­plete­ly com­pat­i­ble sys­tems that ought to go hand in hand.

But I do not — can­not — will not — go to church.

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When something’s not okay: pondering reconciliation & relationship.

February 14, 2013 30 Comments

Pat­tern of wrong behav­iour with dis­re­gard to crit­i­cism + wide­spread or deep offense = no rec­on­cil­i­a­tion for me. No for­give­ness. We are not okay.

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We don’t have to be okay.

January 11, 2013 10 Comments

You don’t have to be okay.

You’re allowed to be sad.

You’re allowed to cry.

You’re allowed to be over­whelmed.

It’s okay. Real­ly.

Not being okay is okay some­times.

You don’t owe hap­pi­ness to peo­ple when you don’t feel it.

You don’t owe hap­pi­ness to peo­ple at the expense of your emo­tion­al and men­tal and spir­i­tu­al health.

It’s okay to take care of you, and some­times that looks like not being okay.

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