Fat Girl,

Strange and unprepared.

July 26, 2013 52 Comments

This is a con­ver­sa­tion I don’t know how to have.

How do I write about no longer iden­ti­fy­ing as a Chris­t­ian in a way that won’t turn my entire world upside down?

I guess I’m doing it some­thing like this. But I’m not hold­ing onto hope for keep­ing my world aright.

The lan­guage of Chris­tian­i­ty is still my moth­er tongue. The cul­ture of Chris­tian­i­ty is still my home­town. I don’t know any­thing else.

This is a strange place for me to be.

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Silence.

April 11, 2013 1 Comment

There is so much I want to say. So much I want to talk about, share, unload from the heav­i­ness of my heart and dredge up from the murk­i­ness of the swirling waters of thoughts in my head. There are peo­ple who have con­tact­ed me that I want to respond to.

But all I can real­ly muster is silence.

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In which I am hesitant to call it abuse.

March 18, 2013 12 Comments

This week is Spir­i­tu­al Abuse Aware­ness Week, a syn­chroblog host­ed by Hän­nah, Joy, and Shaney (along with Rachel and Elo­ra). Today we’re all link­ing up with Hän­nah, and I’m so thrilled that this is hap­pen­ing. And yet…

And yet.

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Of church, feminism, and safety.

February 28, 2013 41 Comments

I am a fem­i­nist. And I am a Chris­t­ian. I think these are com­plete­ly com­pat­i­ble sys­tems that ought to go hand in hand.

But I do not — can­not — will not — go to church.

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When something’s not okay: pondering reconciliation & relationship.

February 14, 2013 30 Comments

Pat­tern of wrong behav­iour with dis­re­gard to crit­i­cism + wide­spread or deep offense = no rec­on­cil­i­a­tion for me. No for­give­ness. We are not okay.

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When something’s not okay: pondering reconciliation & relationship.

February 14, 2013 30 Comments

Pat­tern of wrong behav­iour with dis­re­gard to crit­i­cism + wide­spread or deep offense = no rec­on­cil­i­a­tion for me. No for­give­ness. We are not okay.

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We don’t have to be okay.

January 11, 2013 10 Comments

You don’t have to be okay.

You’re allowed to be sad.

You’re allowed to cry.

You’re allowed to be over­whelmed.

It’s okay. Real­ly.

Not being okay is okay some­times.

You don’t owe hap­pi­ness to peo­ple when you don’t feel it.

You don’t owe hap­pi­ness to peo­ple at the expense of your emo­tion­al and men­tal and spir­i­tu­al health.

It’s okay to take care of you, and some­times that looks like not being okay.

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Existential perfection, problematic cultural systems, and being okay.

January 5, 2013 76 Comments

These cul­tures, these sys­tems of thought, are per­va­sive. Good peo­ple with good inten­tions per­pet­u­ate these sys­tems unknow­ing­ly with­out under­stand­ing the con­se­quences.

But these sys­tems do have con­se­quences.

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The body I have.

January 2, 2013 125 Comments

Nei­ther being fat nor being female is shame­ful. My fem­i­nine body doesn’t have the mag­i­cal myth­i­cal abil­i­ty to strip away the log­i­cal thought-process­es of men, mak­ing them into help­less hor­mone-dri­ven apes. My fat body is still my body, and it’s my vehi­cle in this life. It doesn’t belong to any­one else for their com­men­tary, cri­tique, or approval. It belongs to me. It harms no one.

These con­cepts may seem real­ly sim­ple and obvi­ous. But I’ve strug­gled with them sub­con­scious­ly for all of my life. And as I sit here in my skin­ny jeans and fit­ted top, for the first time in my life I am fat, female, and unashamed.

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I want to believe.

December 27, 2012 0 Comments

I want to believe, but at the same time I have to find joy even when I don’t. I have to know that it’s okay not to believe. Good things hap­pen, good things exist, even in doubt and uncer­tain­ty. And if they exist in doubt and uncer­tain­ty, they will exist still in belief.

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