Fat Girl,

Ch-ch-ch-changes

May 26, 2018 0 Comments

Wel­come to the new site in all its work-in-progress glo­ry. Let’s talk about some stuff, like why there’s a new site in the first place and what you can expect from me mov­ing for­ward.

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The Process of Being.

April 16, 2017 0 Comments

This Sat­ur­day, April 22, I will turn 30 years old. (Want to help me cel­e­brate?)

Frankly, this ter­ri­fies me.

All my life, I nev­er envi­sioned myself liv­ing past the age of 28. I fig­ured that either the rap­ture would have occurred, or I would have killed myself. So you’d think 29 would have been my all-out pan­ic year, but I spent 29 deal­ing with a lot of oth­er things.

Now, with 30 at my doorstep, I’m caught in its head­lights, await­ing its impact with an ever-increas­ing sense of dread.

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As dumpster fires go.

December 31, 2016 0 Comments
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Cognitive distortion and taking up space.

November 3, 2016 2 Comments
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Codependent avoidance.

May 27, 2016 1 Comment

I’m spend­ing a lot of time just sort of sit­ting with myself. What do I want? What do I think? What am I will­ing to give, or ask for? Why? Am I just try­ing to pla­cate oth­ers for my own com­fort and ease of anx­i­ety, or is this some­thing I’m gen­uine­ly will­ing to agree to or com­pro­mise on? If so, why?

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When I must be “The Bad Guy.”

February 1, 2016 6 Comments

I could explain my thought process­es for every step of these var­i­ous jour­neys. I’m very prone to explain­ing and dis­sect­ing and hop­ing beyond hope that I can just <i>make you see why and how,</i> make you see cause and effect, con­nect dots for you, con­nect dots for me. I want to feel jus­ti­fied, val­i­dat­ed. I don’t want to be The Bad Guy. I don’t want to accept that to so many, I am petu­lant and over-shar­ing and run­ning away from prob­lems that could be fixed if I would just try hard­er. But I can’t change, even if I tried. Even if I want­ed to.* And so…here I sit. The Bad Guy. It’s not com­fort­able. I don’t like it. But if this is who I have to be in order to be <i>me</i>, then so be it.

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Celebrate the little victories.

July 3, 2015 2 Comments

These are such small things. Such lit­tle vic­to­ries. What right have I to cel­e­brate them?

The same right I have to cel­e­brate the vic­to­ries of all of my friends and fam­i­ly who deal with chron­ic ill­ness­es, phys­i­cal and men­tal. Small vic­to­ries are vic­to­ries. Med­ica­tion that allows me to escape the nev­er-end­ing cycle of pan­ic is use­ful. Wrap­ping myself in soft, warm cloth is calm­ing and sooth­ing. Touch­ing my skin and putting make­up on with gen­tle, lov­ing hands is cru­cial on days where I strug­gle to love myself. Such a short amount of time of my day, and yet now I am calm. I can think. I am okay.

Cel­e­brate the lit­tle vic­to­ries. Always, cel­e­brate the lit­tle vic­to­ries.

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Always. Choose love.

April 21, 2015 0 Comments

You are so young. I am so young. We have much to learn, you and I, twelve years apart and still grow­ing.

But in the face of all of the unknow­able, unsearch­able future, let’s you and I promise to always choose love — for our­selves, for oth­ers. We’ll find our way from there.

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Pain demands to be felt.

June 7, 2014 0 Comments
Image from beliefnet.

I just watched The Fault in Our Stars and I’m hav­ing feel­ings about my dad who is dying (slow­ly) of can­cer.

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Thinking about fatness and self-injury and mental health.

June 2, 2014 6 Comments

Con­tent note: talk of self-injury, body image, and sex­u­al assault after the jump.

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