Fat Girl,

Sad pandas, boundaries, and relationships.

September 10, 2014 0 Comments

I’m a real­ly big believ­er in bound­aries and respect­ing the choic­es, expe­ri­ences, and desires of indi­vid­u­als. I think peo­ple get to decide how oth­ers are allowed to inter­act with them, and that the onus is on oth­ers to real­ly hear what that per­son is say­ing (yes, even when that per­son is silent. Silence is an answer, after all, and that answer is “I don’t want to talk to you.” Respect it!). I’m just afraid that my post didn’t reflect these beliefs as clear­ly as I’d like it to have.

No one is oblig­at­ed to remain friends with me. Hav­ing been in sim­i­lar cir­cum­stances, but on the oth­er side of the sit­u­a­tion, I real­ly under­stand how uncom­fort­able and even painful it can be to remain in con­tact with some­one who has aban­doned a core com­po­nent of your rela­tion­ship. I have no wish to cause oth­ers pain, and I hon­est­ly have no real ani­mos­i­ty towards those who have decid­ed that I’m a tox­ic influ­ence in their life and they’ll be hap­pi­er and health­i­er with­out my pres­ence. I think they they’re the best expert on what will make their lives hap­py and healthy (even if I dis­agreed), and I try to save my ani­mos­i­ty for those who are open­ly dis­re­spect­ful and/or big­ot­ed. But, I mean, I 100% sup­port the deci­sion of peo­ple who don’t want me in their lives. Tru­ly.

In fact, it’d be pret­ty shit­ty of me to insist that they must remain my friend, to con­tin­u­al­ly insert myself into their lives, to con­stant­ly try to manip­u­late them into a rela­tion­ship they want no part of. That’s not an okay thing for me to do, and I do my best to be respect­ful of their wish­es.

But it still hurts.

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Perceptions, boundaries, and relationships.

August 26, 2014 5 Comments

Am I worth­less to you now that I’m not a Chris­t­ian? Am I some­how less-than-human, with­out feel­ing, with­out moral­i­ty, with­out any good thing? Does my lack of belief mean that I am the dark­ness with whom you can have no fel­low­ship? Am I com­plete­ly lack­ing light just because we dis­agree?

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Robin Williams is dead, and I’m not okay.

August 12, 2014 10 Comments

Con­tent note: frank dis­cus­sion of sui­cide, abuse, dis­or­dered eat­ing.

It is August 11, 2014, and a voice, a face, of my child­hood, is gone. I am shocked, and read on to find what has tak­en such a man from the world.

And there it is: sui­cide.

I am 6. I am 9. I am 12, 13, 18, 25, 27. I con­tain all of me, the sad­ness and shame and fear of an admit­ted­ly small life­time, and all of me is griev­ing the loss of one who couldn’t fight the sad­ness any­more.

It was nev­er a phase. It was nev­er self­ish­ness. It was nev­er a ploy for atten­tion. I was nev­er a fail­ure. I must tell myself these things, over and over and over, and I must tell you, too.

Because Robin Williams is dead, and I am not okay.

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Pain demands to be felt.

June 7, 2014 0 Comments
Image from beliefnet.

I just watched The Fault in Our Stars and I’m hav­ing feel­ings about my dad who is dying (slow­ly) of can­cer.

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Thinking about fatness and self-injury and mental health.

June 2, 2014 6 Comments

Con­tent note: talk of self-injury, body image, and sex­u­al assault after the jump.

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In which I realize how bad my assault was.

May 5, 2014 0 Comments

Some­times I down­play my col­lege assault, but maybe I should stop gaslight­ing myself. Trig­ger warn­ing for descrip­tion of sex­u­al assault after the jump.

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Learning to trust myself: intellectual honesty, appealing to authority, & deconverting from Christianity.

April 8, 2014 16 Comments

The rea­son I don’t have a con­crete answer to how I decon­vert­ed is that I feel like I still am decon­vert­ing, that it’s a process I’ll go through for many years. But the turn­ing point (I wouldn’t say the start­ing point) is that I couldn’t man­u­fac­ture belief any­more, despite spend­ing my whole life up until that point ful­ly ded­i­cat­ed to Christ. I had to let it go in order to pre­serve my intel­lec­tu­al integri­ty.

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Learning to trust myself: intellectual honesty, appealing to authority, & deconverting from Christianity.

April 8, 2014 16 Comments

The rea­son I don’t have a con­crete answer to how I decon­vert­ed is that I feel like I still am decon­vert­ing, that it’s a process I’ll go through for many years. But the turn­ing point (I wouldn’t say the start­ing point) is that I couldn’t man­u­fac­ture belief any­more, despite spend­ing my whole life up until that point ful­ly ded­i­cat­ed to Christ. I had to let it go in order to pre­serve my intel­lec­tu­al integri­ty.

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The Sad, Sad Story of A Really Nice Guy.

March 7, 2014 14 Comments

He was A Real­ly Nice Guy. He couldn’t pos­si­bly unknow­ing­ly sup­port dis­crim­i­na­tion or ben­e­fit from it.

Could he?

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Rambling into the void.

December 31, 2013 0 Comments

Avoid as nec­es­sary. Trig­ger warn­ings like whoa. Noth­ing to see here.

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