On treating depression.

On treating depression.

I’ve been on anti-depres­sants for about 2 months.

On the one hand, I’ve been far more pro­duc­tive than I’ve known it pos­si­ble to be in my life. I’ve been able to work on clean­ing and orga­niz­ing my house. I’ve been able to do laun­dry. I’ve been able to write and make art and live a life I didn’t think pos­si­ble. Treat­ing depres­sion with med­ica­tion has been immense­ly help­ful.

And yet…

It’s still a cycle, I guess.

I come to my blog and sit and write 1,000 words about com­ing to accept my body, flaws and all, and have to stop for the intense hatred and shame and anx­i­ety over my own exis­tence that I feel.

I stare at the blog post I start­ed months ago, “The process of becom­ing,” and can’t write a sin­gle word, because even though I know we are all of us becom­ing, I still feel immense shame and guilt for exist­ing, let alone becom­ing, and espe­cial­ly for not hav­ing already become, already arrived, already com­plet­ed.

I sit with my pen­cil hov­er­ing over a blank page, hand trem­bling to match the trem­bling of my lips as I fight tears, unable to think of any­thing pos­i­tive to draw or write, unable to clear my head enough to do it.

There are flash­es of pos­i­tiv­i­ty, when I fight back against the fat-sham­ing of the world to declare that I like the body I have, that I am invis­i­ble as I’m “sup­posed” to be.

I for­get the impor­tance of self-care. I for­get that fight­ing the sad­ness is a fight, and that while my anx­i­ety and depres­sion med­ica­tions help (and boy, do they help!), they can’t solve it on their own. They can’t solve me.

I can’t stop fight­ing just because I’m tak­ing pills. I still have to be gen­tle with myself. I still have to allow myself to not be okay.

I still have to breathe.

Treat­ing depres­sion isn’t just about tak­ing med­i­cine. It’s about tak­ing care of me, as best as I can, even if that means I have to reset some of my goals.

And I know that peo­ple who real­ly care about me will accept that. I just have to learn to accept it as well. To accept myself as well.

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